But I love him so…

yesterday Steven and I went to a wedding of one of my close friends. it was beautiful and all the girls looked amazing in their flowing dresses. The bride looked amazing and I started to feel a little pang in my side. I think it might have been a little jealousy and a little hesitation. Let me explain….

The bride looked perfect. Thin and gorgeous and everything I had always hoped I would be when that day rolled around for me. But here I am 110 days away from my “I Do”s and I am no where near the size I wanted to be. I feel blubberous, fat, huge, any other negative words in regards to my wight that any of you can think of. I know there is beauty there but there is also a double chin that I can’t hide in photos. With this new image engrained in my head I started to think and then that thinking spilled over into a conversation with Steven that evening.

The result of the conversation, me asking Steven to consider pushing the wedding back 16 months so I could loose the allotted amount of weight before the big day. He reassured me that he didn’t want to wait. he wanted to start our lives together and together we would walk hand in hand with this weight battle and loose the weight so for our first year anniversary I would be the size I wanted to be. He got upset even thinking about the possibility of not being man and wife longer than this September let alone another year. I however pushed the point. How could he want to marry blubber and so much girth? How could he possible want to make love with everything so shamelessly exposed and me having oh so much of it? I couldn’t get past the image in my head of a thin so so beautiful bride and wife. So when the conversation finally ended last night it was at a place where Steven was upset and saddened that we were looking into the idea of waiting and I was satisfied though also sad.

  This morning I did some thinking and I talked to a friend about it and it all sort of fell into place for me. No I am no happy with my size and that is something I am going to have to deal with. Either suck it up and loose the weight over the next year or so or STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT! Yeah its going to be hard reconciling myself to being a big bride and having a bit extra in places. But the main thing I realized today is, if Steven really means it and he loves me no matter what and he wants to make me his wife regardless because guess what he loves me, then that’s exactly what I want. I made choices that brought me here to this stage in my life but I also found a man who loves me for me not my sex appeal. I am tearing up just thinking about it because he is so amazing. how could I have been so selfish and self centered about something so trivial as weight. I love him more than I could ever express in words. With that thought in hand my conclusion is this, I don’t care if I’m a size 20 or a size 8, I want to start my life hand in hand with the man i love on September 29th, 2012 come hell or high water. Sure its my big day and I will only ever get married once but Steven is second half God created for me and I can’t live any longer than I absolutely have to without him beside me every single step of the way. So that’s my Monday confession. I am utterly and totally in love with a man named Steven Rhodes and we are going to join lives legally and before God, friends and family this coming September.

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