Advice anyone?

Well here I am again. Last time I wrote about saying goodbye to dieting forever and I am sticking to that wholeheartedly. However my mind continues to go back to it. For instance, for the last few months I had been feeling rather nauseated most of the time I waited it out for obvious reasons to make sure I didn’t need to eat for two. Not so. I couldn’t afford to go to the doctor so I decided to do a cleanse. My brother does it on a yearly basis from what I understand and I was willing to try it. About 5 days into it I started thinking, if I kept to this I could really loose weight. I started to look at my stomach in the mirror from all angles trying to see if I had gone down any. I even considered weighing myself several times. So I stopped the cleanse on day 7. Now the cleanse is over and I am easing myself back into eating solid foods with broth and veggies and the other day I thought, if I just eat vegetarian I could really loose weight. I had to really stop and say over and over, I’m not doing this for weight loss. If it happens great but that isn’t the primary goal. Then today I was walking my cousins dog and I started to think, I really should get back into working out. I need to be more active if I am to get healthy. Then sure enough here comes the thoughts regarding the whole weight loss and dieting. I kept thinking back to the time I lost quite a bit of weight a few years ago. I was working out 5 to 6 times a week for at least 45 min if not longer.

My point is I am not sure how to get this monkey off my back. I am tired of him digging his sharp nasty little teeth into me. Its so frustrating. Loosing weight will help my health that is for sure but I cant do what I do for the purpose of loosing weight. I did that for 10 years and it got me no where. Its a little scary trying to really be true to the no dieting because for me it became a god of sorts. it was my idol and as such I can’t revert. It would be wrong, at least right now, for me to revert. Now some of you might be saying, “you are taking this a little too far Meran, dieting isn’t WRONG and neither is doing stuff to lose weight.” as much as I agree with that on a much broader sense I can’t accept that for me. For me it is WRONG to diet to lose weight. For me it is WRONG to work out simply to lose weight.

Any suggestions out there for how to get this crazy death monkey to scram? I want to be healthy for health’s sake and no other reason. I am finally happy with how I am eating. I am excited to get more active and enjoy being a mobile human being. I am thrilled that I can say no to chocolate for the first time in a long time without dreaming of binging on it. God has brought me to such a good place but I can’t seem to get rid of this parasite int he back of my brain telling me that if only i’d lose weight and so on. Thanks for listening to me rant.