December 29, 2015
Enjoy Today and Be Thankful
The last year and a half has been a time of learning for both Steven and I. We have learned a lot about each other and about ourselves. I especially have learned that life is something that I can’t control. Even the little things or the things that may seem little at the time. This last year I got a job that I love. Its not always easy and sometimes its downright frustrating but its doing what I love to do, helping people. I began to loose weight and become more active to improve my health. We managed to set up a budget that would help us get out of debt in a reasonable time frame and I was beginning to be hopeful that sooner than later we would be able to start adding to our family without so much financial hesitation. everything was seeming to line up and I was beginning to face each day with joy and excitement in the future.
Slowly, one thing at a time, things have started to “go wrong”. First it was our car. We had to completely reseal the engine and a few other things and as you can suspect it wasn’t cheep. After that my knees started hurting and so I couldn’t exercise the same way that I had all summer and we ended up having to spend money on doctors and Physical Therapy to figure a few things out. It only took about a month after that for my left wrist to quit on me. I am currently out of work because of my wrist and because of that our income is down and our debt payments have practically come to a screeching halt as our rent has gone up.
It feels like everything has been turned on its head, and all my planning and excitement about where we were headed has been launched out the window. I know I have felt so frustrated and have been fighting some depression in the last three or so weeks since my wrist went kaput. I feel like somehow I have let Steven down because I can’t work and because I can’t work I cant contribute to getting us financially stable. Honestly, its even more than that. I can’t do a lot of cleaning because my wrist kills me if I move it too much or put more than about a pound of pressure on it. I am limited in the cooking I can do because of the brace I have to ware. I can’t even put on certain articles of clothing without his help.
I couldn’t figure out what lesson I was supposed to be learning through it all. Why was God sabotaging us like this? Why would He let things go so wrong when we were finally getting things on track? I had to fight being angry with Him every single day as I didn’t go to work and as I did the bare minimum that I can do around the house.
A few days ago I decided to read my Bible and was lead to this passage:
Psalm 37:3-8 (NKJV)
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
Do not fret—it only causes harm.
It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so focused on what I wanted and what I thought was best and what I couldn’t do and that had clouded out everything else. I wasn’t delighting in how faithful God had been and is continuing to be to us through all of this. Steven does make enough that we can make it without me working. I am still able to do things like paint, write and even do dishes in spurts. He is faithful and I am learning that now that I have been forced to slow down and really think about things. I need to stop being angry about how south MY plans have gone and focus on God’s plan. Maybe all of this is to teach me to rely on Him and to trust Him when I am unable to force my plans into fruition.
I have an amazing husband a great friends. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have plenty of clothing and even a little extra. I am blessed and that has nothing to do with what I have done. It is fully the faithfulness of God. I need to learn to trust in Him even when it feels like everything is falling apart. Being angry about not being able to control life only causes harm. God is good and I fully believe that. Perhaps God is teaching me to be thankful for everything I do have and to learn to find the blessings in each day and enjoy the little things.
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